Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
