So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
