When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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