You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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