Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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