Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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