there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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