i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
