the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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