wanna go halves on a baby?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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