Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
