apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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