I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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