If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
