My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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