drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
