Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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