i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize