she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
