I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
