If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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