i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
