Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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