Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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