She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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