last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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