just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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