If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
