I think I died a long time ago.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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