I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
