I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
