I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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