we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
