I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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