STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
