i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
