chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
