Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
