she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I intend to get homeless drunk
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
