i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize