she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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