its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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