my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
