I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize