Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize