omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
