I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
