I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
