My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
