woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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