oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
