You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
