if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
