terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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