when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
