i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
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