dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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