There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Randomize
