Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize