he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
