bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My ass is underappreciated
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
