dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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