i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
