i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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